merlin_holidays | Happy Merlin Holidays, curia

Title: Crossfire
Recipient:

curia_regis
Author/Artist:

emerald_dragon8
Rating: PG
Pairings: Merlin/Arthur, Arthur/Gwen and past unrequited Morgana/Gwen
Word Count: ~350
Medium: Pencil, drawn over in Photoshop with a tablet
Warnings: None
Summary: Merlin's not sure when it started.
Disclaimer: The characters depicted herein belong to Shine and BBC. I make no profit from this endeavor.
Artist's Notes: I really hope you enjoy this,

curia_regis! Thanks to M for looking this over for me at such late notice.

watching you dress as you turn down the lights
 i forget all about the storm outside
 dark clouds roll their way over town
 heartache and pain came pouring down like 
hail, sleet and rain, yeah
they're handing it out   

and we're caught up in the crossfire 
of heaven and hell 
and we're searching for shelter 
lay your body down
lay your body down

- crossfire, brandon flowers

Merlin's not sure when it started. Maybe it started the day they met, or the day Arthur first grinned at him, or the day Merlin first saw Arthur as someone he would devote his life to helping. Maybe it didn't properly start until the day Merlin told Arthur about his magic, the day they fought and shouted and Merlin pleaded until the fight had changed completely and Merlin had let Arthur press him up against the cold stone wall of his bedroom, and there had been hands and mouths and Arthur and it was so wonderful, and Merlin knew it was everything he wanted.

Merlin's not sure when it ended, either. The obvious option is the day Arthur married Gwen, the day Arthur told Merlin he loved him, and then not an hour later stood in front of Camelot and declared his devotion to his new bride, to Camelot's new future. Maybe, though, it had already ended by then. Maybe it ended before it started. It could have gone so badly, and Merlin looks back at all the almosts; the times they were so close to being caught, and he doesn't know how he allowed it to happen, how he could have been so stupid.

Morgana knew, Merlin believes. Saw the way Merlin looked at Arthur. Saw them together, happy. Close in a way that Arthur and Gwen never quite matched as a couple. But Morgana had secrets of her own (too many secrets) and Merlin had seen them, lurking beneath her softly beautiful exterior, had seen the way she looked at Gwen, not all that different from Merlin's own stolen glances at Arthur.

So they had an unspoken agreement, and then suddenly it was all over and Morgana was gone and Arthur was married and even though it was over, Merlin still couldn't look at Gwen in the way he once had. And they were all a mess and stupid and Merlin knew that Arthur still needed him, and it was that fact that hurt the most.

Merlin's never escaped. Arthur is the great King that Merlin knew he would be, and Merlin is forever his faithful servant.

And sometimes, Merlin can pretend that there was never anything more.