Happy Merlin Holidays, ann7x! (1/2)

[merlin-hols.livejournal.com]

Title: How We Swallow the Sun
Recipient: ann7x
Author:: pepperlandgirl4
Rating: NC-17
Pairings: Arthur/Merlin, Arthur/OFC, Merlin/Mordred
Word Count: 11,700 words
Warnings: Age difference (May/October), infidelity, minor character death
Summary: Merlin was just sixteen when he met his best mate's new stepdad, Arthur Pendragon.
Author's Notes: ann7x likes an age difference and sexual desperation. I hope she's also a fan of angst!
Disclaimer: The characters depicted herein belong to Shine and BBC. I make no profit from this endeavor.


Merlin Emrys was just sixteen when he met his best mate's new step-dad, Arthur Pendragon. Will lived with his dad, and only saw his mum during the summer and winter holidays, and she showed up to pick Will and Merlin that Christmas with Pendragon in tow. Will had hated him on sight, immediately deciding that he was the author of every wrong in Will's life and resolving to make Arthur pay accordingly—even though Will's dad had left his mum, and Arthur really was a nice bloke who had nothing to do with Will's problems. He probably would have been willing to help Will, actually, if Will had ever bothered to ask.

Merlin listened to Will bitch about everything Arthur ever did because that's what best mates did, but he never agreed with a word of it. Arthur wasn't an asshole, and he didn't have a face like a donkey's ball sack. Merlin actually found Arthur's face exceedingly pleasing, and he spent more time than he ever would admit to anybody—even himself—thinking about the lines of his cheekbones and the fullness of his lips. He must have been beautiful when he was Merlin's age, and he was easily the most handsome man Merlin had ever met. He was forty-six, and he looked it, but in a stunning, refined sort of way. He had kind eyes, and he was calmly self-assured, like nothing could shake the foundation of his world. He absorbed Will's barbs and glares with surprising good humor, laughing away what he could, easily deflecting the rest.

Despite Merlin's fascination, or maybe because of it, he avoided Arthur as much as physically possible during the holiday, maintaining a minimum safe distance between them when they were forced to share a room, hiding in Will's bedroom the rest of the time. Merlin had always been gregarious, and people never made him nervous. But Arthur did. Arthur made his palms sweat and the inside of his cheek tingle. It was all he could not to stare when he was in sight, and Merlin lived in constant fear that somebody would catch him gawking like an idiot. But even Merlin's best, confused efforts couldn't save him from the smell of Arthur's aftershave and soap or the sound of his rich laughter.

Christmas day itself was the closest thing to hell Merlin had ever experienced. He'd gone with Will because his uncle Gaius was in the hospital, and Hunith had wanted Merlin to have a normal Christmas. Merlin would have rather stayed with her, but a whole holiday with Will had seemed like a brilliant plan. He hadn't expected Will to get in a one-sided shouting match with Arthur, or Will's mum to start crying which resulted in nobody watching the food in the oven until it started billowing black smoke. By the time the fire had been put out and Will had calmed down, the day was over, Merlin's stomach was growling, and his head was pounding. Merlin tossed and turned in the bunk beneath Will, missing his mum, hungry, and trying not to obsess over Arthur. Finally the rumbling in his midsection became too much to ignore, and he slipped out of the room as quietly as he could, intent on a sandwich or two.

If he'd known Arthur was of the same mind, he would have stayed in bed and suffered his empty stomach.

"Sorry," Arthur said as he shut the fridge, jugging several plastic containers and a loaf of bread. "Did I wake you? I was trying to be quiet, but I'm not used to anybody else being around and Lena sleeps like the dead."

"You didn't wake me. I was just a bit peckish."

"Then you've come to the right place. Pull up a stool and let me fix you one of my Pendragon Specials."

"I just like jam sandwiches."

Arthur looked at him like he was an imbecile, though he couldn't quite disguise his smile. "That's only because you've never tried one of my sandwiches. Do you like olives?"

"No."

Arthur shrugged and tossed the whole container into the bin. Merlin had opened the tin of olives earlier that night, and as far as he knew, nobody had even had one before Lena cleaned the table and the bulk of the meal back into the fridge. "Then never mind the olives."

"You could have had one."

"I don't like them, either."

"Will hates them, too."

"Hmm. I wonder why Lena always insists on buying them. I've never seen her eat one. So I've done us all a small favor by tossing them."

Merlin smiled a little, shifting forward on the barstool. "I know it's not really my business, but Will…you shouldn't take him personally. He's just angry all the time for no real reason."

"That can't be pleasant to be around."

"Nah, Will's all right. He's a good mate. He can just be a real asshole sometimes."

"I was the same way at his age. Actually, I was probably worse. I ran away more than a few of my father's special lady friends."

"It's hard to imagine you were worse than tonight." Merlin sighed. "Honestly, I don't even know why he hates you so much."

The corner of Arthur's mouth lifted. "Thanks."

"Well it's not like you're the reason his mum and dad called it quits. His dad's got a hell of a temper. Like Will's."

"Yes, I've met Rhys. I'd be surprised if Will wasn't angry all the time. Do you like cheese?"

"I like extra cheese."

"That makes two of us then."

While Arthur concentrated on the sandwiches, Merlin took the time to concentrate on him. Will's mum was a lovely woman, and Merlin had always been fond of her, but honestly, Arthur seemed a bit out of her league. He couldn't even imagine Arthur giving her a pull, much less marrying her. How had they met? How long had they been dating before Arthur proposed? How many times had he been married before?

"You're sixteen, aren't you? Like Will?"

"Yes, sir."

"How many girlfriends do you have?"

Merlin snorted. "No girls. I can't even get anybody's number."

"You must be asking the wrong girls."

"I don't ask girls," Merlin blurted. He slapped his palm over his mouth in shock, but the damage had already been done. He couldn't catch the words and bring them back. Arthur paused from slicing the cheese, looking up to meet Merlin's wide eyes.

"I take it you've never mentioned that to anybody else."

Merlin shook his head.

"Not even Will?"

"He wouldn't understand," Merlin said softly.

"He cares about you. Even I can see that, and I barely know him. He might surprise you."

"Thanks but…like you said, you barely know him."

"Your secret's safe with me."

Merlin looked down, his cheeks flushing as he studied his hands. Arthur had only bothered with the light above the stove, and Merlin was grateful for that. "Thank you. And thanks for the present, too. You didn't have to do that."

"It's Christmas."

"Yeah, but you don't even know me."

"What sort of host would I be if I didn't make sure you felt welcome? Besides, I noticed you didn't have any other gifts under the tree."

"Yeah…it's been a rough year."

Arthur cut his newly created sandwich into two, put it on a plate, and slid it across the counter. "You want to talk about it?"

"My uncle Gaius is in hospital. He's been really sick all year, and mum won't say it, but I think…I'm afraid he's going to die. That he might die soon. He's the last of her family, except me of course, and I don't know how to help her." Merlin picked at his crust. "I think she was just too overwhelmed to worry about Christmas this year. I hate to think of her being alone right now."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Merlin." Arthur not only sounded perfectly sincere, but compassion practically radiated from his blue eyes. "It sounds like you could use a drink."

Merlin smiled a little and nodded. He and Will snuck cheap beer all the time—well, mostly Will. Merlin didn't like to feel too out of control, and it usually only took one bottle before he started swaying and slurring about how much he loved Will. Will always called him a queer and told him to sod off, but he said it with a pleased smile. Despite his current infatuation with Arthur, and his past drunken behavior, it didn't occur to Merlin that drinking now would cause any sort of problem.

Arthur opened a bottle a piece before coming around the counter to sit on the stool beside Merlin. The Christmas tree glowed red and yellow, each splash of light creating a new pattern on the side of Arthur's face. Their knees touched, and Merlin stiffened, waiting for Arthur to flinch away from him, but he didn't appear to notice. Merlin could have pulled away, but he liked the contact too much. Especially since Arthur was wearing a pair of silk pajama bottoms and the material felt like a dream against Merlin's bare leg.

"It's a shame that you still had to put up with so much drama on your holiday," Arthur said.

"I don't mind. It kind of feels like it was all worth it now."

Arthur took a swallow from his beer and looked at Merlin with soft, contemplative eyes. "Yeah, it kind of does. Like your sandwich?"

Merlin nodded enthusiastically. "It's delicious."

"Better than jam on toast?"

"I don't know if I'd go that far. It's hard to beat the simplicity of a good jam sandwich. I should prove it to you."

"How?"

"I'll make you one tomorrow night."

"Okay. I'd like that."

Something about the way Arthur said it made him blush. He dipped his head, hoping to hide his reaction and nibbled on the corner of the bread. It really was probably better than jam on toast. It was just a roast beef sandwich with cheese and, surprisingly enough, mash, with a hint of mustard, but Merlin felt like he could eat this and only this for the rest of his life. Or maybe he just wanted to sit here for the rest of his life, touching Arthur and contemplating the straight line of his nose and the crooked ridge of his mouth.

"Are you close with your uncle?" Arthur asked.

Merlin nodded, chewed, swallowed, and needed another bite before he felt like he could begin to explain. "He's like my dad. He practically took care of me when I was younger because mum had to work all the time. He showed me how…he showed me how to do everything. I think he knows everything. He's got a huge library of books and you can point to any one, and he'll tell you exactly what's inside. When he got sick this spring, everybody thought it was just a cold." Merlin wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, blinking back the automatic tears. These days, it felt like he was always just a few words from losing it.

"Nobody even knew when my father got sick. He hid it from everybody until it was too late. He collapsed when I was seventeen and died three days later. He never woke up." Arthur put a firm hand on Merlin's leg, just above the knee. "I know how much this must hurt. If you ever need to talk to somebody who understands, I'll be here."

"Will won't appreciate that."

"I'll give you my number. You don't have to tell him if you think it'll cause problems. I just don't want you to think you have to go through this alone."

"Thanks." Merlin shoved the last of the sandwich into his mouth, smiling as Arthur gave him a look that was equal parts amused and disgusted. "I'm going to head to bed now."

"Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite, and all that."

Merlin shuddered at the thought of bedbugs and wished Arthur pleasant dreams. He didn't breathe again until he was under his covers, listening to Will snore. Arthur was just trying to be friendly. That's what the sandwich, the touching, the phone number, all of it, had been about. Arthur was a good guy and he could tell Merlin needed more support than he could get from Will right now. It was all perfectly innocent. Noble, even. But none of Merlin's thoughts for the older man were remotely innocent, and when he finally succumbed to sleep, none of his dreams were innocent either.
#

Merlin waited until Will was rattling the shutters with his snoring before pushing the blankets aside and padding out of the room. As wretched as Christmas had been, their Boxing Day had passed in relative peace. Will was always happiest when he was eating, and Lena gave him enough food and candy and baked treats to keep him stuffed full and smiling. It probably helped that Arthur had spent most of the day with his sister, Morgana, and so Will didn't have anybody to yell at even if he was spoiling for a fight. When Arthur returned, he'd retired to what used to be a guest room but was now called the study. Merlin had a perfect view of the study door from his place on the sofa, and he spent more time watching that than he did the telly. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't will Arthur's appearance or stare a hole through the solid oak.

Despite Arthur's invitation to make him a proper jam sandwich, Merlin couldn't be sure he'd even be in the kitchen again. Or when he would want his late night snack. Or if it was even advisable to try to recapture the connection they shared the night before. It wasn't that Merlin didn't think it could happen again—he feared that it would happen all too easily. Developing and nurturing a crush on his best friend's (much despised and much older) stepfather was easily the stupidest thing Merlin had ever conspired to do. And he couldn't even rethink this particularly stupid plan because when he stepped through the living room, he found Arthur sitting at the kitchen counter, as if waiting for him.

"Hungry?" Arthur asked.

"Quite. I don't think I got enough at dinner."

"It must be the cold weather. I've been feeling a bit peckish myself. There's a jar of orange marmalade in the pantry if you want that. Lena's sister gave it to her for Christmas."

Merlin perked up at the promise of Aunt Marla's Orange Marmalade. Will, being the selfish little begger he was, hardly ever shared that, even though she always gave Lena about six dozen jars for Christmas and really, there was no reason to be so greedy about it. He rescued the jar from the cupboard with a triumphant smile, already plotting how he could slip it in his bag when nobody was looking.

"Did you enjoy your visit today?" Merlin asked.

"No."

"Sorry to hear that. Did you have a row?"

"No, my sister and I don't row. At least, not the way we used to. Now we just grit our teeth and bear it."

"Why do you bother then?"

"Because we're all that's left of the Pendragon empire. She has a son, but I…well, I won't be producing an heir any time soon. If we don't put up with each other, we won't have any family left."

"I understand," Merlin murmured, though he didn't. Not really. He understood what it was like, how lonely it must have been for both of them. But he couldn't understand why or how two people who loved each other, two people who were lucky enough to have each other, could come to hate the other like that.

"Have you heard from your mother today?"

Merlin sighed. "No. I texted her a few times, but sometimes she forgets to turn on her phone." He stared at the toaster, watching the coils turn red around the bread. He put his face close enough to feel the heat radiating up, and he told himself that's why his eyes stung. "I just want to see Gaius. How bad must it be, I think, if she won't even let me see him?"

"No, don't think like that. She just wanted to make sure you had a good holiday. Even this house must be better than sitting around at hospital."

"Yeah, I guess it's not too bad. I enjoy the company," Merlin added, risking a glance up. Arthur was watching him with heavy-lidded curiosity that had his stomach fluttering. Merlin wanted Arthur to watch him like that all the time.

"Me, too."

They stared at each other for another long moment. Merlin knew he was conveying something with his eyes, and his face felt completely out of control. Arthur probably knew every insane thought running through his head, and even though the thought should have been enough to make Merlin die of embarrassment, he found he didn't mind. He liked that Arthur could look through him and into every fancy.

The toast popping up startled him from his thoughts and broke the silence between them. Merlin tossed the slices onto a plate and quickly buttered them, the knife scraping over the bread at a stunning volume. What if Arthur wasn't feeling this? What if it was all in his head? How much of a fucking idiot did he look?

"How long have you and Will been mates?" Arthur asked.

"Since second year." That was good. They should talk about Will. But Merlin couldn't think of anything else to say, and he still needed to make his own sandwich. If he tried to run away without it, they'd have to give up the polite fiction that Merlin was there for the sake of a snack. So he carefully scooped a few spoonfuls of marmalade out and spread it over the cooling toast, concentrating on that instead of trying to speak. Maybe if Arthur would stop looking at him with those blue eyes, he'd be able to speak like a human.

When Merlin's phone rang in his shorts pocket, his first reaction was relief. Finally, something to distract him from the man only sitting three feet away. And then he remembered that it was after twelve, and there wasn't any such thing as a good phone call after twelve. Nobody called that late at night to have a chat, save Will, and Will was currently snoring away in his room. He gripped his phone with sweaty fingers and stared at the screen, confirming it was his mum.

"I can't."

Merlin didn't know why he said that when he could, and furthermore, he had to. He didn't have a choice, because he couldn't pretend he didn't hear her. This late at night, she'd ring until she reached him, and Merlin wouldn't put her through the hell of dialing and redialing, waiting endlessly for him to answer. Except, he really couldn't do it. He couldn't answer the phone and hear his mother tell him that his father—or at least the closest thing he ever had to a father—was dead.

Arthur must have believed him, because he took the phone from Merlin's suddenly nerveless fingers.

"Hi, Mrs. Emrys, this is Arthur Pendragon, Will's stepdad. Yes, good, how are you? Yes, Merlin is here, but he would like me to speak with you. No, no, he's fine. I understand. Of course. I'm sorry to hear that. Yes, I'll have him call you. My condolences." He lowered the phone and Merlin couldn't stand to see the pity stamped on his face. "I'm so sorry, Merlin. He never woke up. She said that he was quite peaceful."

Merlin felt his face collapse in a hot puddle, tears streaming over the ridges of his cheeks. Arthur didn't say another word, just pulled Merlin against his chest, engulfing him in a tight embrace that Merlin couldn't escape from and wouldn't want to. His heart was breaking and his head was throbbing and he knew Arthur was only trying to be kind to him, that this was a friendly, even fatherly hug. But that didn't stop Merlin from burying his face against Arthur's neck. He breathed Arthur in, committing the feel and scent of him to memory, clinging to every second. He kept expecting Arthur to push him away, but Arthur made no move to separate them and the embrace went on too long to be deemed innocent.

That was when Merlin noticed the dull pressure of Arthur's erection pressed to his thigh.

Merlin stopped breathing, too caught up in the thrill of knowing this wasn't all in his own head. Arthur wanted him, too, and the undeniable evidence of that tented Arthur's loose fitting pajamas. Merlin lifted his head slowly, searching Arthur's face for any clue. Arthur lifted his hand, using his thumb to wipe the tears from below Merlin's eyes. Merlin's heart slammed against his ribs, the fluttery feeling in his stomach returning one hundred fold and spreading through his entire torso. All the blood in his body flowed to his groin, engorging his flesh quite painfully.

This was wrong. So wrong, and if Will chose that moment to get a glass of water, Merlin would probably lose his best friend forever. Instead of ordering Merlin to retreat, his brain helpfully pointed out that Will had no reason to go into Arthur's study, and they could retire there and lock the door.

"Don't cry, Merlin. No man's worth your tears. That's what my father told me once."

"Did you believe him?"

"No. But I hate to see you cry. So you've got to stop."

Merlin sniffed. "I'm trying."

"Oh, Merlin." Arthur cupped his cheeks and kissed his cheek, his temple, the bridge of his nose. Merlin quaked every time Arthur's lips touched him, his body trembling with more intensity until Arthur tightened his embrace. That barely helped. Merlin still shivered, reaching to return the caresses, kissing along the line of his jaw. It was inevitable, the meeting of their mouths. They were drawn together, meeting almost violently with clashing teeth and tongues. Merlin buried his fingers in Arthur's hair, trying to pull him closer even though Arthur's tongue was practically sliding down his throat. He couldn't be any closer, and Merlin ached like Arthur wasn't touching him at all.

It was over as quickly as it began, Arthur shoving him hard enough to push his hip into the counter. Merlin caught the edge, gasping and struggling to hold himself up on rubbery legs. Arthur backed up until the stove blocked his escape, then wiped his mouth with a shaky hand.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not. It's not at all okay."

"I'm sixteen. I'm old enough."

"You're old enough to kiss other boys your age. That doesn't mean I have any right to…to even touch you."

"I wanted you to touch me."

"You're upset and you're…vulnerable."

"I would have responded the same way if you'd kissed me last night." Arthur's breath caught a little, and Merlin took that as a good sign. He took a slow step forward, hoping he wouldn't send Arthur running. "I wanted you to kiss me last night. I thought about it…dreamed about it even. Nobody's ever kissed me before you know."

"Go…go back to bed."

"Arthur, don't. Please. I don't want to be alone right now."

"Then wake up Will," Arthur snapped, cheeks flushing and eyes suddenly blazing.

"Fine." Merlin marched out of the kitchen and nearly reached the corridor before Arthur spoke.

"Wait."

"Yes?" Merlin asked, unable to mask the hope in his voice.

"I'll drive you home in the morning. Be ready to go after breakfast."

Merlin nodded, his heart dropping when Arthur didn't ask him not to go.

#

When Will found what happened, he immediately offered to accompany Merlin back to London. Merlin tried to smile in gratitude, wishing there was a way he could tell Will that his need for a friend didn't trump his desire to be alone with Arthur. His salvation came from Lena herself, who insisted that Will would not be cutting his holiday short because she still had plans. Merlin and Arthur both kept their heads down, resolutely eating their breakfast while Lena and Will engaged in a battle of wills that everybody knew Lena would win. By the time they left, Will had been reduced to a moody silence and Lena was slamming dishes in the kitchen without any regard for their fragility.

Five minutes after they pulled away from the house, Merlin decided that Will and Lena's enthusiastic shouting was preferable to the heavy silence between him and Arthur. He had bags under his eyes and looked as exhausted as Merlin felt, so at least he had the satisfaction of knowing that he wasn't the only one who'd been awake all night. They didn't talk at all for the first hour, though Merlin was desperate for anything that would pull him from his thoughts of Gaius. He didn't even get the chance to say goodbye, and that chafed at his soul. He had no reason to think Gaius woke up before he passed away, but what if he had? What if he looked for Merlin? What if he'd died alone?

An anguished whimper escaped his throat, and he struggled to swallow the wave of tears that followed. There had been nothing left unsaid between them, no words of love or gratitude that Merlin should have uttered but refused to. He'd said everything, more than once, and of course Gaius had known how much he meant to Merlin. But that didn't make it hurt any less. Especially since Merlin still needed Gaius.

"Merlin. Are you okay?"

Merlin sniffed and wiped his eyes. "I'm fine." It just felt like he was breaking apart. He turned up the heater, hoping the hot air blowing on his face would help stop his trembling. "Don't worry about me."

Arthur responded by putting his hand on Merlin's knee and giving him a gentle squeeze. Merlin was tempted to push Arthur away the same way he'd pushed Merlin the night before. Except, if he did that, then Arthur wouldn't be touching him anymore. Merlin slid forward in his seat a little, slumping low and wishing Arthur would move his palm further up his thigh.

"Are you gay?" Merlin asked without looking from the windshield.

"Bisexual, though I know people say that's the same thing."

"Have you been married before?"

"No."

It was rude to ask why moved him to marry now, so Merlin hedged to a different question. "How long have you known Lena?"

"We met this past February at an event for work. Started to date. Felt like it was time to settle down."

"Sounds romantic."

"I rushed into it," Arthur said softly. Merlin waited for some sort of elaboration, but he didn't offer any.

"How do you rush into anything when you're forty-five? You'd think you'd learn a bit of patience by then."

Arthur chuckled. "You'd think so. Maybe instead of getting wise, you just learn how to make bigger mistakes as you get older."

"You think marrying Lena was a mistake?"

"I don't know."

If he didn't think so before, he probably did now that he'd met Will. God, he should have insisted that Will come back to London with them. What had he been thinking? Lena would have given in if he'd insisted, and sitting in the backseat and rolling his eyes through Will's snide comments was one hundred times preferable to this. He didn't know why Arthur was being so honest with him, or why he was even asking these questions. Maybe he wanted to poke at somebody else's bruise to avoid thinking about his own sore spots.

"It's just the stress of the holiday. You'll feel better after the New Year and everything gets back to normal."

"Yeah, you're probably right."

They lapsed back into silence, and without the distraction of Arthur's voice, the earlier regrets crept back into the front of his mind. He should have stayed with Hunith. He should have stayed at Gaius's bedside, holding his hand and praying and talking. Maybe if he'd been there, Gaius would have sensed him somehow. If their positions had been reversed, Gaius would have never left him, Christmas or not.

"I wish I could say something, Merlin."

"What did you do when your father died?"

"I drank. And I was angry for a long time. Angry at him for leaving me, and angry at him for working himself to death. Morgana got me through the worst of it. That was back when we got along."

"I can't get drunk. I don't think my mum would approve of that."

"No, of course not. I wouldn't suggest that anyway. It hardly improved my situation."

"But it took your mind off things."

"Sometimes."

Merlin would already give anything he owned for the magic elixir that would wipe the guilt and regret from his mind. Something that would just sweep it out like a giant broom so he could have a few hours of peace. He sure hadn't been thinking about Gaius the night before when Arthur kissed him, but he didn't quite have the courage to suggest that course of action. He didn't think Arthur would go along with it, anyway. Not in the light of day when anybody at all could see them.

"And then it got to a point I realized I didn't need it," Arthur continued. "I missed him. I still miss him. But given enough time, things really will heal over."

"I don't want to wait for this to heal over. It hurts. It hurts so fucking much…I wish I'd been there."

"I know it seems like that would have made a difference, but I was there when my father died. It just means you have different regrets. You're thinking you want just five more minutes with him, right? But even if you had it, those five minutes wouldn't be enough because what you really want is for him to be alive forever."

"Is that so wrong?"

Arthur sighed. "No."

Merlin folded his arms and sank deeper into the seat, eyes closed. Even when he wasn't looking Arthur, he was intensely aware of the other man. Like he had been all week. Every sense seemed attuned to him, and a part of Merlin's brain was dedicated to providing regular updates on Arthur's position and actions. He gave in to that part of him, enjoying the way Arthur's aftershave tickled just beneath his nose, reliving the kiss again and again until his chest felt tight. He was half erect, and the way he splayed in the seat probably made that fact more than obvious. He cracked open one eye to study Arthur, more than a little pleased to see that Arthur's attention drifted from the road to Merlin's pants often.

"Did you jerk off last night?" Merlin asked.

"Don't."

"Don't what? I'm just making conversation."

"What happened last night was wrong. I shouldn't have…I shouldn't have touched you at all. It wasn't appropriate."

"I don't see what was inappropriate about it. I'm old enough for consent, and there's definitely no question of my consent."

"That doesn't mean it's right. Even if I wasn't married, men my age shouldn't even be looking at boys your age."

"Maybe not, but I don't mind if you look at me."

"You're only saying this because you're hurt right now and I'm a distraction."

"No, I…I wanted you before last night. I've been trying not to think about it and doing my best to avoid you, but…I wanted you from the moment we met."

"Merlin…"

"What? It's true. Are you going to tell me that since I'm sixteen, I don't know what I want? If so, save your breath."

"I wasn't going to say that. But it doesn't matter. We still can't…"

"Did you only kiss me last night because I was vulnerable?"

"I don't want to talk about this."

"It's a simple question. Yes or no."

"It's not a simple question, Merlin. What do you want me to tell you? That I've been thinking about you every night for the past week? That I've been fantasizing about you?"

"Have you?"

"Of course I have," Arthur said raggedly. "A minute hasn't gone by without me thinking of pulling this car over and fucking you right here on the side of the road. But I'm not going to do that."

"Even though that's what we both want."

"Especially since that's what we both want. I'm married, Merlin, and you're too young. So this, whatever it is we feel, we have to just ignore it."

It hurt to hear that and know Arthur meant every word. It didn't matter that Arthur wanted him, it still felt like a rejection. Merlin buried his head in his hands, never feeling more alone in his life. Will was ninety minutes behind them, and ahead of them was nothing but black grief and unshed tears. Nothing was ever going to feel okay again. This ragged pain in his chest would grind deeper and deeper until it settled there permanently. He'd have to live with it for the rest of his life, until he forgot this terrible, cold day and nothing remained but the fossils of his pain.

Arthur touched the back of his neck with warm, comforting fingers. Merlin jerked away, not wanting Arthur to touch him at all if he couldn't do it properly. But the need for contact eventually overwhelmed everything else, and he relaxed against Arthur's hand, the tension leaving his shoulders as he exposed the back of his neck to the soft caresses.

They finished the journey to London like that, Merlin hunched over with his eyes closed, Arthur driving with one hand and using the other to stroke him like a beloved pet. It was nothing. Barely anything at all. It was inadequate and unsatisfying, useless in every way. Merlin didn't feel better because of the contact, and it wasn't helping him forget what he couldn't have. At the same time, it was everything. It was more than Merlin could have realistically hoped for, and he cherished every second of it. The fingers on the back of his neck had to compensate for all the kisses they couldn't share, all the long, slow explorations they couldn't indulge in, all the caresses that didn't belong to them. It was torture, but maybe they deserved it a bit for the destructive urge they both possessed.

Arthur stopped outside of the flat Merlin shared with his mother. She apparently wasn't home. Their car was missing and the windows were dark. He could invite Arthur up and nobody would ever be the wiser.

"You could come up."

"I can't, Merlin."

"Please. Nobody would ever know."

"That doesn't make it okay."

Merlin sighed and pushed the door open. "I guess I'll be seeing you around."

"My offer still stands. You can call me if you need anything."

Merlin paused and half-turned to meet Arthur's eyes. "I think it might be best for both of us if I lose your number. I don't think it'll do me any good, do you?"

Arthur's lips thinned. "It's up to you. If you think that's best."

"Thank you. For driving me down and for listening and everything."

"Good luck, Merlin."

A strong wind picked up just as Merlin stepped out of the car, ripping the door from his fingers and slamming it shut. The cold stole his breath, and he put his head down against the bracing wind, watching the bits of newspaper and rubbish roll and tumble down the pavement as Arthur pulled away.

next

Comments

[brunettepet.livejournal.com]

You built wonderful tension between these two and I'm left feeling great sympathy for them both. Arthur's reasons were valid and reasonable - Merlin is vulnerable and very, very young and Arthur is a married man. It doesn't make the situation any better, but it makes me like Arthur more.

[basicallyrunn.livejournal.com]

I applaud your ability not to make it seem creepy, like so many do.

[pilpols.livejournal.com]

OMG this is so cool