Happy Merlin Holidays, eldee! [2/3]

[merlin-hols.livejournal.com]

"You must really love yellow apples," Will said, appearing from nowhere.

Arthur shrugged. "So what if I do?"

"You know he's not going to accept those."

"Who, the apple god?"

Will grinned widely. "Ah, so you're funny. That's good. I like funny." Arthur rolled his eyes and turned back to the tree he had been picking from. "So how come you're all by yourself?"

"I could ask the same of you," Arthur muttered, grabbing an apple off the tree and adding it to his full crate.

"I came looking for you," Will said simply.

"Why, so you can ridicule me some more?"

"No, but I can do that if you like."

Arthur sighed and turned to face Will. "What do you want?" he demanded.

Will's smile faltered slightly. "I came to apologize," he said awkwardly. "I think I got the wrong impression of you."

Arthur blinked, thrown off by this. "What makes you say that?"

"Merlin told me what you're doing for him," Will explained, "and I wanted to say thanks." He held out his hand expectantly.

Arthur shook it, barely managing to balance the heavy crate in his other arm. "Why are you saying thanks? I'm not letting you move in."

"No, but Merlin's my best friend and he's been homeless for two months. So, I just thought, you know... I could say thank you for giving him a place to live for a while."

Arthur nodded, surprised by how genuinely grateful Will seemed. "It's no problem," he said. "Really, it's not."

"I know. But it's not something you had to do. Anyway, we can stop the cheesiness now. I still think you're an asshole, but it seems you do have some good qualities."

"Well, I still think you're an asshole, too, if that makes you feel any better."

"I can live with that." Will grinned and nodded toward the front of the orchard. "Come on, everyone else is already in line."

Arthur followed Will to the cashiers, paid for his apples, and then headed for his car with Gwaine, Will, Freya, and Merlin.

"Where do you guys want me to drop you off?" he asked, thinking he still might have time to fit in some work that afternoon.

"We're all going to Morgana's to carve the pumpkins and make pies," Merlin said, watching Arthur deposit his apple crate in the trunk. "You should come. You could probably make three or four pies with that many apples."

Will coughed pointedly and Arthur glared at him. "I don't know," he said, closing the trunk and walking around to the driver's seat. "I was hoping to catch up on work." He unlocked the car and everyone else piled in.

"Come on," Merlin said, punching Arthur's arm with the apple he was eating. "It'll be fun. You have to do something with all those apples. Besides, you'll be able to move me into your dad's apartment afterward."

Arthur started his car and said nothing during the drive back to the city. His passengers followed suit and stayed completely silent as they listened to the radio. Not even Will spoke.

When Arthur arrived at Morgana's, he parked and helped unload the pumpkins, gourds, and apples from his car. He left his crate of apples in the trunk, but carried one of Gwaine's pumpkins up to Morgana's apartment.

"Why do you have two of these?" he asked, watching Gwaine struggle with another one.

"This one's for Merlin," Gwaine grunted as he started climbing another set of stairs. Arthur wondered why Gwaine was allowed to buy Merlin a pumpkin, but he wasn't allowed to buy Merlin any apples. He hadn't told Merlin about the apples yet, but he knew Will was right - Merlin wouldn't accept them very easily.

When everyone had reached Morgana's apartment and was settled down with their coats off, Arthur saw that he and Freya were the only ones not wearing plaid shirts. He was wearing an old hoodie from his university, and she was wearing a long-sleeved dress. He looked around, expecting someone to laugh or at least point out how stupid they all looked, but no one else seemed to have noticed.

The plaid dress-code made up his mind for him - he was going to leave. Unfortunately, just as he was about to escape, Gwen caught him.

"Stop hovering near the door, Arthur," she called out from where she stood in the kitchen. "You're staying. Come on, we need help making the pumpkin pie."

Arthur cursed under his breath and headed toward the dining room table, where Morgana and Morgause were cutting two wide, flat pumpkins into even chunks.

"So... how exactly are we making this pie?" Arthur asked, warily eyeing the insides of the pumpkin. He had never enjoyed pumpkin carving, even as a child. The texture and smell and cold dampness of the pumpkin guts had always disgusted him.

"Take this." Morgana handed him a chunk of pumpkin and directed him to sit across from her. "Scrape out the insides and put the seeds in this bowl, and the rest in this bowl."

Arthur made a face at her, then started pulling off small handfuls of pumpkin guts. He sorted through each handful, taking out the seeds and depositing them into one bowl before dumping the remaining guts into another bowl. His hands were filthy within seconds.

"How come we're not doing it that way?" Arthur asked, nodding toward where Merlin, Will, and Freya were sitting on the floor by the couch and reaching their hands into the tops of their pumpkins to pull out the guts.

"They're carving theirs," Morgause said shortly.

"Right, but... it's all for the same end, isn't it?"

"The pie is made from this part," Morgana explained, pointing to the half-moon pumpkin piece Arthur was holding.

"Oh," Arthur said, lamely. He glanced down at the bowls. "Then what's this all for?"

"The seeds are for roasting," Gwen called from the kitchen. "The rest is for juicing."

Arthur raised his eyebrows. "You guys really go all out when it comes to pumpkins."

"Because they're delicious," Morgause's husband said, emerging from Morgana's bathroom. "What can I do to help?"

"Tell Arthur about pumpkin seeds," Morgause suggested.

Her husband grinned but said nothing.

"Do it," Will called from the floor. "Do it, or I will."

"I'll do it," Gwaine said, popping his head out of the kitchen. "They increase semen production so you have more powerful orgasms."

Arthur's mouth dropped open slightly and everyone else laughed.

"It's probably just a myth," Lance said, coming out of the kitchen to retrieve the full bowls from the table and replace them with empty ones.

"It's not," Will said, laughing. "Merlin's tried it."

Everyone laughed harder as Merlin blushed vividly. Arthur went back to scraping out his pumpkin. He didn't need to hear about Merlin's orgasms, especially when the topic clearly embarrassed Merlin.

"It was epic," Gwaine's voice came from the kitchen.

"Thanks, guys," Merlin muttered. "Real classy."

"You're the one who ate the pumpkin seeds," Will teased, but dropped the subject.

By the time Morgana, Morgause, and Arthur had completely stripped their pumpkin, Gwen and Lance had finished roasting the first batch of seeds, and Gwaine had made a few glasses of pumpkin juice. Arthur sniffed Morgana's glass and declined his own. Merlin, Will, and Freya were still pulling out and sorting their pumpkin guts, and Morgause's husband was just lounging around in various chairs. Arthur wondered how much hell would break loose if he suggested that the creep get a haircut.

Morgana and Morgause started taking the pumpkin chunks into the kitchen, so Arthur went into the bathroom to wash his hands. He did it twice before he was satisfied that there weren't any pumpkin bits under his fingernails, then went out to watch the disembowelments still happening near the couch.

"I can't believe you enjoy that," he said, sitting down on the couch and looking down at Merlin, Will, and Freya. "Doesn't it gross you out?" Will pulled out a handful of pumpkin guts and glared at Arthur. "If you throw that at me-"

"Go in the kitchen," Will snarled. "No one asked you to come over here and criticize us."

"Leave him alone," Merlin said, digging around in his pumpkin with a large spoon.

"How long will the pie take?" Arthur asked before Will could say anything else.

"Probably another hour," Freya said, placing the lid back on her empty pumpkin. "Maybe two if they don't rush."

"Do you mind leaving when it's done? I have dinner plans." Arthur wasn't sure where the lie had come from, but was glad that it at least sounded plausible.

Merlin glanced over his shoulder at the dining room table and Arthur followed his gaze. There was another pumpkin sitting under it, nearly identical to the one he had just prepared for cooking. It occurred to Arthur that they had really planned a whole day's worth of baking activities. He was about to take back what he had said when Merlin responded.

"Yeah, okay."

"Are you sure?" Arthur asked, ignoring Will's harsh glares. "You can always get Morgana to move you in, like you said earlier."

"It's fine," Merlin said, smiling slightly at him. "We can leave after the pie's done."

Arthur nodded and watched as Merlin finished cleaning out his pumpkin and then started drawing on it with a permanent marker.

"What are you making?" he asked, trying to move over on the couch to get a better view.

"Dragon," Merlin said, not moving his eyes from the pumpkin. "A fire-breathing one."

"I'm making your butt," Will said, pulling another permanent marker out of his pocket and setting it to the surface of his own pumpkin.

"My butt or his butt?" Merlin asked, tilting his head toward Arthur but still not taking his eyes off his pumpkin.

"Both of your butts. It's a double butt pumpkin."

"You are so mature," Freya teased. Will laughed, but Arthur agreed with Freya's sentiment.

"And what are you making?" Will asked.

"A butterfly," Freya said, smiling sweetly.

"It can be friends with my dragon," Merlin said, pausing to admire his work.

Arthur stood up and went to see what everyone else was doing, instead. Merlin and his friends really were very young.

In the kitchen, Morgana and Morgause were cutting the large pumpkin chunks into smaller pieces and dropping them into a large pot that was filled with water and sitting on the stove. Gwen and Lance were washing off more pumpkin seeds for roasting, and Gwaine seemed to be wrestling with the juicer.

"Do you need help?" Arthur asked, watching as Gwaine punched a wad of pumpkin guts into the machine.

"I need a new fucking juicer," Gwaine muttered. "Well, Morgana does, anyway."

Arthur nodded and observed the battle for few moments. "So you just... shove the stuff in there and it comes out as juice and you drink it?" he asked, still disgusted by the thought.

"Well, you're supposed to add apple juice and pineapple juice," Gwaine said, stepping back from the juicer with a sigh. "But I forgot to pick them up this morning, so it's basically just a waste of time. I'm just making pumpkin liquid at this point... I figure I'll take it home afterwards and add the rest later, but I don't actually have a bowl or pot big enough to make that much pumpkin juice, so... in the end... it's just a waste of time." He looked up Arthur and smiled. "But, at least I tried, eh?"

"So, what was everyone was drinking a few minutes ago? Pumpkin liquid?"

Gwaine shrugged. "Pretty much. It's not harmful, it's just not as tasty."

Arthur nodded, thinking that nothing with "pumpkin liquid" as an ingredient could possibly be tasty. The pumpkin smell in the kitchen was overwhelming and making his stomach churn in protest.

"Thanks for helping out Merlin," Gwaine said, returning to the juicer. "It'll be nice for him to finally have his own space."

"It's no problem," Arthur said, wondering if every single one of Merlin's friends was going to thank him for what he considered to be a very small favor. "Really."

"I know," Gwaine said, smiling over his shoulder. "But it's not anything you had to do. Plus, it'll get him out of Morgana's hair. I mean, obviously he stays with me on the weekends, but still."

Arthur didn't know why it would be obvious that Merlin would stay with Gwaine on the weekends, but decided not to ask. Merlin had said something about not living with Morgana on the weekends, though why anyone would automatically assume he was living with Gwaine instead was beyond Arthur.

"Glad to be able to help."

"You should come out with us tonight," Gwaine said, grabbing the juicer with both hands and shaking it roughly. "I'm taking Merlin out to celebrate."

"Is it his birthday?" Arthur asked, confused.

"No, to celebrate his new temporary home." Gwaine gave the juicer one last shake and it switched on with a loud roar. Arthur watched the orange liquid pouring out the spout and swallowed uneasily. "Well?" Gwaine prompted.

Arthur looked away from the juicer. "I'm actually moving him in this afternoon, as soon as this pie's done." He gestured toward the pot on the stove, which was bubbling vaguely as it started to boil the pumpkin pieces.

"That's fine," Gwaine shrugged. "We weren't going to head out until 9 or 10."

"Is he even old enough to drink?"

Gwaine raised his eyebrows and grinned. "How old do you think he is?"

"I don't know. 20?"

Gwaine let out a loud bark of a laugh. "He's 23, but I'm sure he'll be flattered."

Arthur shrugged. Apparently he was just as bad at guessing ages as he was at remembering names. It's not like it was a particularly useful skill, anyway. "How old are you?"

"28," Gwaine answered, tapping the juicer as it started whining. "You?"

"Same."

"We're very old, aren't we?" Gwaine asked teasingly. "At least in this crowd. Anyway, you should come out with us."

"I can't," Arthur said. "I have to at least get some work done tonight. I'm going to drown in it tomorrow if I don't."

Gwaine nodded sympathetically. "Fair enough."

When the juicer started protesting again, Arthur left Gwaine to the battle and moved on to Gwen and Lance, who were munching on the first batch of roasted pumpkin seeds.

"Have some," Gwen said, shoving a handful at Arthur.

He took them warily. "I'm not sure," he said. "What do they taste like?"

"We put a lot of cinnamon on them," Lance said. "They're good."

"And they'll give you better orgasms," Gwaine called out over the whirring of the angry juicer.

Gwen rolled her eyes. "Go on, at least try them."

Arthur pulled a face but ate three of them anyway. He was pleasantly surprised to find that they weren't as disgusting as he had imagined.

"See?" Lance asked, smiling and tossing a few more into his own mouth. "They're good."

"They're not bad," Arthur agreed.

He left the kitchen with the rest of his seeds to see how the pumpkin carving was coming along. Freya had moved to the dining room table with hers and was poking tiny holes along the butterfly design she had drawn. Merlin was sitting on the couch, carving his pumpkin carefully in his lap, and Will and Morgause's husband were on the floor, hacking away randomly at Will's pumpkin.

Arthur settled down next to Merlin and ate another seed. He felt very out of place wherever he went and with whomever he tried to talk to. He didn't want to be around Lance, and he definitely didn't want to be around Morgause. Gwaine had been nice enough, but somehow he seemed slightly crass. Merlin was young and immature and somewhat strange, but at least he was polite.

"How's it going?" Arthur asked, holing out the pumpkins seeds. "Do you want some?"

"Yeah, thanks!" Merlin took most of the seeds out of Arthur's hand and shoved them all in his mouth.

"Slut," Will said.

Merlin rolled his eyes and continued working on his pumpkin. Arthur watched, amazed that such a tiny, flimsy knife was actually cutting through the hard pumpkin shell. The dragon Merlin had drawn was cute and cartoony - it was blowing fire onto a pile of wood and two stick figures were roasting marshmallows over it.

"That's quite a drawing," Arthur said. "I like it."

"Thanks." Merlin grinned at him. "Do you want to help?"

"I'd probably just mess it up," Arthur said, shaking his head.

"You won't. Here." Merlin picked another tiny knife off the floor and handed it to Arthur. "All you have to do is follow the lines." He shifted the pumpkin so it was sitting between them, resting on both their thighs.

"All right," Arthur said, sticking the knife into the pumpkin. "Just don't hate me if I manage to ruin the whole thing."

"You won't," Merlin said encouragingly. "It's not that hard. Kids do it all the time."

"I guess that's true." Arthur licked his lips and set to work, trying his best to keep the knife along the outline of Merlin's drawing. It was pretty tedious work, but Arthur didn't get to work with his hands very often, so he found himself enjoying it. By the time he and Merlin had carved through the whole picture and pushed all the pieces out, Morgana had come out of the kitchen to announce that the pumpkin pie only needed twenty more minutes in the oven.

"How long have we been doing this?" Arthur asked, picking at the dragon's tail.

Merlin shrugged. "I don't know, but Freya's done already. Here." He placed the pumpkin carefully in Arthur's lap. "I'm going to make sure all my stuff's ready."

Arthur looked down at the jack-o'-lantern. He hadn't carved one of his own in at least twenty years and was surprised that it could be fun for someone who was almost thirty. Unbidden thoughts of carving pumpkins with his children popped into his head and he pushed them away quickly. He hated to fantasize - his life revolved heavily around his work and he was fine with that. Every once in a while he could spare some time for a girlfriend, like Gwen or the ones before her, but things like wives and children were definitely out of the question, at least for the near future. He wanted those things eventually, but didn't see the point in planning for it now.

As he traced his fingers over the design, hushed thoughts flew through his mind about what it would be like to carve pumpkins with his own children, or what his childhood may have been like if Uther had been the sort of father to make jack-o'-lanterns. He did his best to ignore them.

When he looked back up from the pumpkin, he saw Merlin dragging suitcases out of Morgana's hallway closet. He stood to help and nearly threw out his back when he tried to pick up a small one.

"What the fuck is in this?" he asked, rubbing his back and trying to stand up straight.

"Books," Merlin sad apologetically. "I should have warned you."

Arthur kicked the suitcase. "You're damn lucky my father's building has an elevator. Otherwise your books would be staying here. Though I'm not sure how easy it'll be to get all these down to my car."

"We'll get them to help," Merlin said, pointing toward the kitchen.

Arthur helped Merlin wheel and drag his things over to the front door, then followed him into the kitchen to check on the pie.

"Is it almost done?" Merlin asked Gwen excitedly.

Gwen nodded. "It smell delicious. Morgana says you can have this first one since you're leaving."

Merlin's eyes widened ridiculously and Arthur couldn't help but smile. Merlin was like a small child. Or a very young puppy. He was just excited by anything and everything.

"I'm going to go ahead and take one down," Arthur said to Merlin, backing out of the kitchen.

Even without asking for it, Merlin, Gwaine, Lance, Will, and Morgause's husband all volunteered to help. With all of them carrying bags, it only took one trip to get all of Merlin's things out of Morgana's apartment and into Arthur's car.

"What are you doing with all these apples?" Gwaine asked, setting a small suitcase into Arthur's trunk. "Making pies for the whole city?"

"Yes," Arthur said flatly, closing the trunk.

Will coughed pointedly but Arthur ignored him and motioned for everyone to go back inside. When they opened the door to Morgana's apartment, they were hit with the smell of freshly baked pumpkin pie.

"Just in time," Gwen said, coming out of the kitchen and holding out the pie in her oven mitts.

"Oh, my God, it's like heaven," Merlin said, practically sticking his face into the pie. "Are you sure you want me to take it?"

"TAKE IT!" Morgana shouted as she emerged from the kitchen. "Take it or I'll hit you in the face with it."

"That wouldn't be so bad," Merlin teased. "Hot, but not so bad."

"No, you'd definitely get burnt," Lance pointed out. "That just came out of the oven fifteen seconds ago. Plus, it would be a massive waste of a delicious pie."

"Very true," Merlin said, grinning. "I guess I have no choice."

"I'll put some tin foil on it for you," Gwen said as she turned to go back into the kitchen.

Arthur opened his mouth to ask how they were going to transfer a pie to his father's apartment, but then Morgana flung herself on Merlin.

"I can't believe you're leaving," she said dramatically. "I might cry."

"You're not actually going to cry, though," Merlin said, grinning. "But I appreciate the sentiment."

"I'll miss you," she said, sounding serious. She pulled back from the hug and kissed Merlin on the cheek.

"I'll miss you more," Merlin said, kissing her cheek in return. "You have no idea what a lifesaver you've been."

"Of course, I do. I rescued you from the hell that is Will's apartment and from the bitter coldness of the streets. I know I'm a saint."

Merlin snorted. "That's one word for it."

"That's the only word for it."

"Get a room," Gwaine moaned.

Merlin laughed and kissed Morgana on the cheek one last time before fully stepping out of her embrace.

"Okay, I have to leave before you make me cry," Merlin said, grinning. "Where's the pie?"

"Here you are," Morgause said sweetly, handing Merlin the pie that was thoroughly wrapped in tinfoil. "It's warm, but it won't burn you."

"Thanks," Merlin said, taking the pie in one hand and giving her a one-armed hug with his free arm. "Would you mind grabbing the pumpkin?" he asked Arthur.

Arthur grabbed the jack-o'-lantern they had made off the floor and carried it carefully to the door. They made it out the door without too many more goodbyes, though Gwaine did invite Arthur out for drinks again.

Once they were in Arthur's car, Merlin carefully wedged the jack-o'-lantern between his feet and held the pie in his lap.

"Thanks again for doing this," Merlin said as they pulled away from Morgana's apartment building. "It'll be so nice to sleep in a bed during the week. Morgana's couch really isn't that comfortable."

"Well, my dad's bed isn't that comfortable, either," Arthur said. "But the guest bed's pretty decent. You can pretty much sleep wherever."

"The bathtub?"

Arthur bit back a smile. "If that's what you prefer."

"Actually, I prefer the oven, but it's hard to find one big enough."

"Yeah, they just don't make giant ovens like they used to," Arthur said with a wistful sigh.

Merlin laughed and Arthur smiled to himself.


---xxx---


It took four trips for them to lug all of Merlin's bags, plus the jack-o'-lantern and pie, out of Arthur's car, up the elevator, and into Uther's apartment.

"I, um... I think there's another bag," Arthur said as Merlin collapsed breathlessly onto the living room couch.

"There's not," Merlin said, closing his eyes and flinging his neck over the back of the couch. Arthur paused and stared at Merlin's exposed neck for a few seconds. It was very long. And very thin. He could see every muscle, every tendon, every twitch of Merlin's Adam's apple.

"I think there is," he said, forcing himself to turn away and leave the apartment again. His muscles were aching but there was no way he was taking all those apples home with him.

When he came back up, his arms shaking with the effort of holding so many apples, Merlin was in the kitchen, cutting into the pumpkin pie.

"That's not a suitcase," Merlin said as Arthur dropped the crate onto the kitchen island and shook out his arms.

"No, but it's yours, anyway."

Merlin gave Arthur a confused look. "No, those are yours. I didn't buy any, remember?"

"Yeah, but I bought too many. I don't need them."

"I don't need them either," Merlin said, turning back to the pie.

"But I want you to have them," Arthur said quietly. "I can't possibly eat them all."

Merlin shrugged but didn't look up. "I'll take a few."

Arthur found a plastic bag and made a big show of picking out a dozen apples and dropping them into the bag. He placed the bag next to the crate and then went to stand next to Merlin.

"How's the pie?"

"Squishy," Merlin said, grinning up at him. "Have a piece."

"I'll get the plates," Arthur said, turning toward a cabinet.

"We don't need plates. Here's a fork."

Merlin handed Arthur a fork, then stuck his own right into the pie and started eating. Arthur watched for a few seconds, wondering why Merlin had bothered slicing the pie if he was just going to eat it out of the pan.

"Eat," Merlin said, knocking his hip into Arthur's side.

Arthur shrugged and dug into the pie. He expected to find it about as disgusting as the pumpkin liquid Gwaine had made, but instead found it to be absolutely delicious. It was soft and warm and somehow a perfect thing to be eating on a fall Sunday afternoon.

They ate almost half the pie before Arthur realized he had to leave before he gave himself a stomach ache or before he used up all of his time to catch up on work.

"Well," Merlin said when Arthur announced that he was leaving, "are there any rules?"

Arthur stared blankly at Merlin. "Rules?"

"For the apartment. Is there anything I shouldn't do?"

"Oh." Arthur thought for a few seconds. "Just don't let Will smoke inside. And don't bring back any wild animals to tear up the furniture."

"I think I can manage that."

"Actually, it's not my furniture, so you can pretty much do whatever you want with it."

"So, you wouldn't mind if I just... you know, used the couch as a toilet?"

Arthur laughed. "That's a bit extreme, but if you must."

Merlin grinned. "Is there anything you want me to do while I'm here? I could start going through stuff if you want. I don't know what you want to do with everything, but I could, I don't know, try to pack things up."

"Don't worry about it. Just enjoy the space. You can clear out which ever bedroom you prefer and dump all the stuff in the other one. You know, if you want closet space or... bookshelf space. Actually, if you see anything you want, you can... well, not take it now, but... you can call dibs, if you want. I'll come back sometime this week to get started on things. I'll bring you some groceries, too. There's not much here."

Merlin's lips grew very thin. "Arthur," he said seriously. "Please stop. You've really done enough already. I can afford a few groceries."

Arthur could feel his face heating up. "Look, I have..." He sighed and looked back down at the pie. "My father was very sick for a very long time," he said quietly, hoping desperately that he wouldn't start crying just from talking about his father's illness. "He never let anyone do anything for him. Please just let me do this for you. I'm not out to make you feel like a charity case or anything. I just need... I just want something to do with myself. And you're here, so..."

He cleared his throat and tried to look up at Merlin, but only got as far as Merlin's chest. He wasn't usually so open with people he didn't know - he wasn't usually so open with anyone, actually - but there was something about Merlin. They had only met the day before, but Merlin had already wedged his way into Arthur's life.

"All right," Merlin said quietly. "You can bring me some groceries."

"Thank you," Arthur said in his best business-like voice. "And you're keeping the crate of apples."

"I figured as much."

Arthur forced himself to look up at Merlin's face and was relieved to see Merlin smiling.

"I'll come in a few days, then," Arthur decided. "Probably Wednesday."

Merlin nodded. "See you Wednesday, then."

Arthur gave Merlin a tight-lipped smile, grabbed his bag of apples, and left without saying goodbye.


---xxx---


On Tuesday morning, Arthur finished off the last of his cereal. That evening, he stayed at work two hours late instead of his usual three, and the headed to the grocery store. Once he had picked up his regular items (cereal, bread, milk, orange juice, butter, jam, and a bag of baby carrots), he tried to decide what to buy for Merlin. He had never gone shopping for anyone else before. Presumably Merlin cooked for himself, but Arthur had no idea what to buy for that scenario. After wandering around for a few minutes, feeling absolutely ridiculous for being so clueless, he grabbed a box of pasta and a jar of marinara sauce.

After that, he decided to keep it simple. He bought some eggs, some frozen vegetables, and some more bread, milk, and orange juice. He'd have to get a shopping list from Merlin next time. Just as he was about to go to the register, he passed the cookies and grabbed a box of chocolate chip ones for Merlin.

Arthur couldn't help himself. Merlin so was skinny - he obviously needed to eat more fattening foods. He also got excited about the simplest things, and Arthur was looking forward to seeing his face when he saw the cookies. The way his whole face lit up when he smiled was ridiculous and, Arthur hated to admit, adorable. His eyes crinkled up, his dimples appeared, and his full, chapped lips stretched across his pretty teeth.

Arthur shook his head to clear those thoughts and got into a line. After he had paid and bagged his items, he loaded the groceries into his car and drove over to his father's apartment building. By the time he made his way through all the traffic, it was almost ten o'clock before he found himself outside Uther's apartment. He was stuck in the hallway, unable to decide if he should knock. It was technically his apartment, so he should be allowed in whenever he pleased. But Merlin was living there, so it was sort of his apartment, too.

In the end, Arthur decided to err of the side of politeness. He knocked and waited.

When nothing happened, Arthur realized that Merlin could possibly be asleep. Or maybe he was just out doing something - drinking with Gwaine, perhaps.

Well, it was his apartment. He unlocked the door and went to the kitchen to dump the groceries on the island. Before he could turn on the kitchen light, he noticed that the light in the guest bedroom was on and that the door was wide open.

He flicked on the kitchen light and then went to turn off the light in the guest bedroom - if Merlin wasn't here, the light didn't need to be on.

Once he reached the guest bedroom, he saw that Merlin was most definitely home. Merlin was sitting in Gwaine's lap up near the pillows, and Gwaine had his large hands splayed over Merlin's very naked back.

Gwaine looked up at Arthur's strangled gasp and froze mid-writhe, his eyes wide. Merlin turned to look over his shoulder and nearly fell off the bed in his attempt to dislodge himself from Gwaine's lap.

Arthur turned around and did his best not to run out of his father's apartment. He skipped the elevator and raced down sixteen flights of stairs, which left him completely winded when he finally collapsed into the driver's seat of his car.

He barely remembered to grab his groceries when he finally reached his own apartment. He had no recollection of driving home. He couldn't remember waiting at any lights or making any turns or seeing any street signs. He had made it home on autopilot.

As he unceremoniously tossed the milk and orange juice into his fridge, he wondered if he had run any red lights or skipped any stop signs. He was probably lucky not to have been pulled over for speeding. Hell, he was lucky not to have gotten into an accident.

When all his purchases had been put away, he shed his clothes and took a scorching hot shower. He stood under the spray until it grew completely cold and he was sure the entire incident was down the drain.

It was late and he wasn't hungry for dinner, but he drank two beers as he watched the news, knowing he would regret it in the morning.

By the time his eyes were stinging with the effort to keep staring at the television, it was past one o'clock in the morning. He crawled miserably into his bed and tried to think of nothing.

But it wasn't nothing. It was very clearly something. Not something that was happening for the first time, not something they did on occasion, not something they were just doing to get off. He had walked in on a meaningful, intimate moment between... between lovers.

They were lovers. Merlin and Gwaine.

Gwaine's hands had been so wide and sure on Merlin's back, guiding and supporting Merlin as they rocked together. And Merlin's long neck had been arched back, and Gwaine had been pressing wet, scruffy, open-mouthed kisses along the cords there. And Merlin had been moaning softly, practically humming with pleasure. And his hands had been in Gwaine's hair, holding Gwaine's head to his neck, because he clearly loved attention there.

And when Gwaine had looked up over Merlin's shoulder, and when Merlin had glanced over his other shoulder, their faces had been flushed and their lips had been swollen. There had been spots of color high on Merlin's cheekbones, emphasizing his bone structure and his feelings for Gwaine.

They hadn't been fucking in some lewd position. They hadn't been grunting or growling or biting or even thrusting. They had just been rocking together, rolling and twisting their hips to some private rhythm. They had been - Arthur hated to even think the words - making love.

Arthur turned onto his stomach, trapping his erection against the mattress.


---xxx---


He didn't sleep that first night, but he also didn't touch himself. He considered it to be a victory.

By the weekend, he was exhausted and ashamed of himself and not entirely sure he could go out in public anymore. He still wasn't sleeping, but he was touching himself - every night, all night. He sat on his bed for hours at a time with his laptop, watching gay porn videos on repeat until his alarm went off.

On Monday morning, he blocked every porn website he could think of, threw away his remaining lube, and drove to his office, where he stayed until almost midnight.

His spree was done and he was back to work - he hoped it would last longer this time. His previous efforts to "get it out of his system" had barely lasted half a year. When Gwen had broken up with him, he didn't leave his bedroom for anything other than work for three days. This time, he had allowed himself five whole days of his most horrible, shameful fantasies.

And as long as he never looked at Merlin or Gwaine ever again, he thought he would be able to control himself. He was Arthur Pendragon, after all. If he couldn't suppress this, then he would never get married and he would never have kids and he would never be everything he had wanted to be since he had been young. He would never be everything he was expected to be. And then what would his father say?


---xxx---


When Leon asked how his weekend was during their lunch on Monday, Arthur couldn't think of an answer. He couldn't even think of a lie. He simply shrugged and went back to eating his food, trying not to think about all the porn he had watched. He didn't want Leon to see him blush for no reason. He also didn't want to give himself an erection in the middle of a corporate food court.

"You should call Morgana," Leon said, moving past Arthur's lack of an answer.

"Why?" Arthur scoffed.

"She keeps texting me," Leon explained, pulling out his phone to show Arthur. "Something about the kid staying in your dad's place."

Arthur sighed. He had been ignoring her calls for days - he had had better things to do. But if she had resorted to texting his friends to get his attention, he was going to have to call her. He didn't want to know what else she willing to do.

"Who is this kid, anyway?" Leon scrolled through his texts with Morgana. "Merlin?"

Arthur shifted and stabbed his fork into his salad. "Just a kid. One of Morgana's friends. Needed a place to stay."

"Well, that was nice of you. What's he like?"

Arthur shrugged. "You know. One of Morgana's types. Scrawny, skiddish..." He bit his tongue to hold back the homophobic remarks he wanted to make, knowing Leon wouldn't care or be impressed by them.

"Your father would be proud." Leon grinned and Arthur forced a small smile.

He made his excuses about needing to get back to work early, dumped the rest of his salad in the trash, and then locked himself in his office.

He called Morgana, hoping to leave a message along the lines of "fuck off," but she answered her phone.

"What."

"Don't 'what' me, you're the one who keeps calling," Arthur said, sitting in his chair and swiveling around to look out the window behind his desk.

"You didn't let me finish." Morgana's voice was low and harsh. "What. Is. Wrong. With. You."

"Nothing is wrong with me," Arthur said, playing innocent. "Is anything wrong with you?"

"You need to go talk to Merlin."

"I've got nothing to say to him," Arthur said carefully, keeping his voice neutral.

"He's got it into his head that you're going to kick him out and he keeps calling me and asking if he can move back onto my couch."

"I never said I was kicking him out. I never said anything."

"You need to go talk to him."

"I've got nothing to say to him," Arthur repeated. "Let him fuck Gwaine. I really don't care."

"Bullshit," Morgana accused. "If you didn't care, you wouldn't be avoiding everyone."

"I'm not avoiding anyone." Arthur sandwiched his cell phone between his ear and his shoulder and started picking at his fingernails.

"Just go talk to him. I'm serious, Arthur. I'm not letting him move back in with me."

"How do you even know this kid, anyway? What's his story?"

"You could just ask him. You know, when you go talk to him."

"I'm asking you."

Morgana sighed into the phone and Arthur smirked.

"He volunteers with my non-profit."

"So he's political."

"We're all political. You're political."

"Don't remind me."

"What the hell is wrong with you? You sound like you're high."

"I'm not high. I'm just tired. I haven't been sleeping very well."

Morgana paused for a few beats before continuing with her story. "He volunteers with my non-profit," she repeated. "And he started bringing friends, Will and Freya, to volunteer with him. They're our new generation of activists."

"Fantastic," Arthur mumbled, setting one of his feet up on the windowsill to re-tie the shoelaces.

"They're good people, you know."

"If he's such a good person, why don't you give him a damn job?"

"If I had a job to give him, I would. He's brilliant and I would love to have him working for me, but I don't have any open positions. As soon as I do, the job's his, and he knows that. But right now, there isn't much I can do."

Arthur mumbled some nonsense under his breath, knowing it would annoy his half-sister. He felt a little childish, but he really didn't care. He didn't want to talk with her about this.

"What do you want from me?" he asked irritably when there were a few long moments of silence. "I'm giving him a place to live. Why should I have to do anything else?"

"Because you're a good person, too, when you let yourself be. All I'm asking you to do is let him know that you're not kicking him out."

"If I was going to kick him out, wouldn't I have done it by now?"

"Arthur..."

"I'm not making any promises," he said before hanging up. He turned off his cell phone, shoved it into a desk drawer, and went back to work.


---xxx---


Gwen called him the next evening. He was still at work and planned to stay as late as he had the previous night.

"Hello?" he answered his phone without looking at, assuming it was Leon calling to ask why he'd bailed on their daily lunch.

"Hi, Arthur. It's Gwen."

Arthur set down the stack of papers he had been riffling through. "Hi," he said uncertainly.

"How's it going?"

"It's okay. I'm at work. What are you doing?"

"Arthur, it's nearly nine. What are you doing at work?"

"Working. What else would I be doing?"

Gwen sighed. "Look, you probably know why I'm calling."

"I could take a wild guess," Arthur said dully. "You want me to talk to Merlin."

"Yes."

"Well, I'm not going to, so you can save your breath."

"Arthur..."

Arthur closed his eyes against the disappointment in her voice. He knew he was being ridiculous - of course he knew that. But that didn't change the fact that he didn't want to talk to or look at Merlin ever again.

"What, Gwen?" he prompted when she stayed silent for a long moment. "Say it. Just say what you called to say so I can get back to work."

Gwen sighed and when she spoke it again, it was a soft, sad voice. "I don't see why you insist on being such a homophobe. We both know the truth, so why can't you just admit it? You don't have to be so stubborn."

Arthur waited a few seconds to see if she had anything to say, and then he hung up.

---xxx---

Another phone call woke him up the next morning. He jerked awake in a panic and grabbed his phone off the desk in front of him, not entirely sure where he was or what he was doing or what time it was.

"What? Hello? What?" he asked, trying to get his voice to work properly. It sounded very scratchy to him.

"Thank God."

Arthur sat up at the sound of Gwen's voice. He blinked and realized that he was still in his office, still in the same clothes he'd worn the day before. He'd fallen asleep at his desk. There was sunlight coming in the window behind him, so he knew it was morning. He pulled his phone away from his ear for a moment to check the time. It was nearly seven forty-five.

He cleared his throat. "What?"

"Morgana just told me she went to your apartment last night and you weren't there. Where the hell are you?"

"I'm - um. It's none of your business."

"Arthur, I really couldn't care less if you've had a one night stand. Are you safe?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. No need to panic. Why the hell was Morgana looking for me?"

"Because I told her what I'd said to you and she thought you might have gone off the deep end."

"For accusing me of being gay? I'm not that crazy, believe it or not."

"Sometimes, it's hard to tell."

Arthur rubbed his eyes and coughed, trying to figure out if he'd have time to drive back to his apartment for a shower and a change of clothes before he had to officially report for work. He didn't live very far from his office, but he knew the traffic would make it almost impossible.

"Well, I'm alive."

"Very glad to hear it. Are you hung over?"

"No, I'm just a little groggy." He stood up carefully and tried to stretch out his stiff back muscles. "Are you with Morgana right now?"

"I'm on my way to meet her for coffee. She texted me to tell me she couldn't find you last night. She said you'd blocked her calls."

"Oh, yeah," Arthur said vaguely, just now remembering that he'd done that during his solitary lunch the previous day.

"Arthur," Gwen said very seriously, "are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Absolutely fine. There's not a thing wrong with me."

"Then why won't you go talk to Merlin?"

Arthur coughed again and grabbed his wallet before leaving his office, hoping no one had come in to work early and would see him sneaking out. He needed breakfast and he needed to pee.

"Let me ask you something about Merlin," he said as he made his way down the stairs to the lobby of his office building. "Why doesn't he have any money? Where are his parents? Why aren't they helping him out?"

"His mom can barely pay her own bills, let alone Merlin's. What does that even matter?"

"I'm just saying. I mean, if my kid was homeless, I'd help him out, you know?"

Gwen sighed into the phone. "She's poor, Arthur. There's really only so much she can do."

"What about his dad, then?"

"No one knows where he is."

Arthur rolled his eyes as he stepped onto the street and looked around, trying to decide which direction to go to pick up some food. "It's the twenty-first century. Someone has to know where he is."

"He doesn't want to be found and they don't exactly want to look for him," Gwen said shortly. "Why are you asking me all these questions? You could just ask him yourself."

"I don't want to. I'd rather ask you."

"You're going to have to talk to him eventually, you know."

"I know," Arthur muttered.

"He feels really bad about what happened," Gwen continued.

"I'm sure he does," Arthur said as he stepped into a coffee shop. "I had to bleach my eyes."

"He's worried you're going to kick him out."

"Jesus." Arthur bit his tongue to stop from cursing loudly. "I'm not kicking him out! What the hell did I ever do to suggest I would do that?"

"Well, you ran out and refused to talk to any of us for almost a week."

"That doesn't mean I'm going to kick him out," Arthur said, his eyes scanning the menu over the counter. "He doesn't have anywhere else to go."

"He's talking about going to Canada."

Arthur had to laugh. "What the fuck is he going to do in Canada?" he asked, stepping into line.

"He has a family friend up there he can stay with."

"Why wasn't he there in the first place? Why'd he live on Morgana's couch for two months if he had a place to live in Canada?"

"Because he wants to be here," Gwen said simply. "This is where his friends are. Besides, from what he says, this family friend of his is getting on in years. I don't think he wants to go live with an old man... especially not when he can stay at your dad's place."

"Well, I'm not kicking him out, so he doesn't even have to worry about it. Why does he have old man friends in Canada? Who the hell is this kid? I understand him less and less every day."

"It's a friend of his mom's," Gwen explained patiently. "I'm sure your dad had friends once upon a time, too."

"Ha ha," Arthur said dryly. "Hang on a sec." He stepped up to the counter, ordered, and paid before resuming his conversation. "Sorry. I'm getting breakfast."

"So I hear. Look, are you going to go talk to him or not?"

"Not right now, I'm not."

"Don't play games. It's too early for that."

"I'll stop by sometime this week," Arthur said impatiently. "Happy?"

"Extremely," Gwen said sarcastically.

"Good. I'm hanging up."

Part 3

Comments

[bananahater336.livejournal.com]

Oh. Oh, I absolutely love how this is handled. The repressed homosexuality, the way that manifests as homophobia, the fact that all Arthur needed was a trigger to unleash those feelings. It is beautifully executed, and the fact that he doesn't want to have to face that trigger is even more beautiful. I think this is going to be tragic and difficult and a very long process for him but the writing is wonderful.

[brunettepet.livejournal.com]

Arthur is floundering emotionally but somehow he's connected with Merlin and had found a bit of happiness in the tentative new friendship. Walking in on him and Gwaine cast a spotlight on something Arthur wants to remain hidden in the shadows. It's no wonder he's so shut down and can't face Merlin. Merlin's leading a life that Arthur is denying himself. His life is unbearably sad, though he'd deny how awful it is.

[deannypaddy.livejournal.com]

omg, that scene between Gwaine and Merlin is probably the hottest thing I've ever read, ever. So, so, so scorching hot. wow